Does Having A Giant Picture of My Face on Here Make Me A Megalomaniac?

So while admitting defeat is not my strong suit, *sigh*, I'm leaving New York. It's too much right now.

Okay I'm only leaving for two weeks but still, for me, that's a while.

It's not that I'm not working. Work comes in waves, is unpredictable, and most definitely has a lot of downtime in between. And it's not constant rejection because let's be honest, at this point, when I've been acting competitively for 15 years, I'm used to being judged on the spot and rejected on the spot. It's the close calls that are killing me right now. I just can't seal the deal. I had a terrible audition yesterday and the people had nothing to do with it, they were so pleasant and encouraging and nice...I just wasn't doing it right. And I could feel myself sucking and couldn't stop. No do-overs. The least I could do was smile and hope they saw something of my craft in the proverbial dump I took and call me back for another chance. And, of course, today came and went with nary a call.

I AM GETTING SO CLOSE! What's wrong with me?

I would be a lot less sad if I hadn't received a hefty commercial check in the mail today. Seriously how would I have survived this last year without that job? God bless you House Production & Casting! One day of work literally paid my rent for a year. Well, two auditions, a whole lotta luck, and a 12 hour shooting day starting at 2:30am but who's complaining? Seriously House, I love you. Call me sometimes? I owe you dinner. Yes, the whole office.

Speaking of phone calls, where is my freelance agent lady friend? Has she gone away? Or have I done something egregious?

Here's a thought: stop waiting for something to happen to you and do it your freaking self, you drama queen. I said to myself.

I would be at the Gay Pride March tomorrow in some horrendousfierceinappropriate getup Sunday but alas, I have a JOB in a MOVIE! A real live movie! An unpaid, extra job in a movie but still, this is gonna be my first time on a big movie set and I'm gonna take it all in/get bored and read Pride & Prejudice & Zombies (thanks Jason!). More details after the shoot, in case, you know, they see me when I show up and determine I am in no shape to be in a real movie.

And how about that storm today? Hoo baby! And there's a giant hole in the ceiling where water poured out! That's hilarious and fun to deal with! Especially when water is pouring out of it at a comically fast rate! I'm being sarcastic! It was Terrible! I couldn't cook cause I used all my pots and pans for the leaks :(

Not that I would cook anyway, ha.

Clowning Around!!!

Yesterday I was part of Cirque du Solieil's 25th anniversary stilt-walking celebration, and as you can probably tell it was a lot of fun. I got to meet the Kooza cast (!), make people laugh, and teach people how to walk on stilts (which I myself could not do very well at all, also as you can probably tell!) I even got an entire Circle Line boatfull of kids to laugh as I entertained them from a pier. As usual, the thing kids love the most is when you fall down, which I did, to their delight. No, it was not a Broadway house, but hearing all those raucous voices cheering me on was just enough to get me through the day.

Then today I took my ward to Victorian Gardens in the park, where I hit my shins a lot and paid too much for lemonade. Meredith loved it though, she even won a prize in the WACKAMOLE!

I always seem to have a low point after feeling so great about everything lately. Just the roller coaster of life, I guess.

Anyway, here are some pics of me from the event's Flickr page. Yes, they are goofy. The ones with me and that kid are my favorite. He was too freakin cute!

Yikes! Brush with Fame Ruined by iPhone

Argh.
So while I was underground yesterday, I got a call about a possible background role in a Jennifer Aniston movie--as a beauty queen, of all things. Too bad I couldn't answer it--so the nice casting lady left a voicemail.

I received that voicemail at 9pm last night.

WTF

My iPhone apparently decided that this voicemail was not important enough to give me when I got off the subway. So I fervently left a message at their office (obviously now vacated), and hoped for the best.

This morning, the suspense was killing me (she had mentioned coming in for fittings today) so I gave up my sense of decency and called the office again. The lady answered, and she was helpful and nice and even double checked for me that the part was filled before hanging up.

I've googled this phenomenon (iPhones refusing to give me voicemails) but nothing definitive has shown up. To add to my iPhone frustration, Apple just came out with a new one (mine was gifted to me only a few weeks ago) and now I must head to the ATT store to haggle a new one or get my 100 bucks back since the prices are going down. Which I guess will not be too terrible, since I will get the new new new new phone, something I never do nor am I fervent about it. My boyfriend will probably lose it though. Oh techies.

But sucks about that job, right? Hopefully this doesn't ruin my good acting karma that had been whirling about me lately. This week was similar to last in terms of getting my ass out there: met 1 new casting director (fun), auditioned twice (both went well, one VERY well), went to a callback (nerve-wracking and stressful as always, when your competition is staring you in the face and you know it's her or you....eeeugh), and oh yeah worked 2.5 days at the office and will have logged in an impressive 20 babysitting hours. And tomorrow I'm doing a Columbia MFA shoot being a sad girl in an abortion clinic--woohoo!!! Sounds like a blast. I'm not being sarcastic.

I feel as though I am on the industry cusp.....sooooo close to breaking into it. I've honestly never felt like this before. Perhaps my ambitions have been fueled lately by a surge in admiration for my peers and myself for having the literal and figurative balls to get out there almost every day and WORK IT.

Stress/Going Crazy

As my profession requires, I have many vocations going on at once. On any given day, I may be at my temp job, which I've grown strangely attatched to. Or maybe I'm babysitting, shuttling nearly always delightful Manhattan children around and baking cardboard frozen pizzas. Or maybe I'm doing an odd job, either from the temp agency or through some lovely contacts I've made recently who are actually paying me to goof around in the name of Cirque du Soleil. Or maybe, just maybe, you can find me in midtown acting my giant butt off for whomever cares to listen. Sometimes I'm even gifted with a rehearsal process and a performance! Whoda thunk? Kinda the whole point of me being here.

Now don't take this in any way as a complaint. Being busy with ANYTHING is very beneficial to my well-being, as I go a little insane when I have nothing to do. In fact, I look back on weeks such as the one I've just had with a sense of pride and accomplishment, with just a tinge of fatigue. Since last Friday, I worked 4 full days temping, worked on 2 shoots as an extra (1 paid), attended 3 auditions (2 film, 1 theatre), mailed a very very big agent, participated in a reading as Doll Tearsheet in Henry IV Part II (fingers crossed I get cast as that role is dy-no-mite!), AND found some time in there to eat, meet my friends for some much-needed drinkies, make weekend plans, schedule my coming weeks, and cuddle with my boyfriend and my pup on the couch.

It is hard to keep it all straight sometimes. I've double booked myself and had the special mortification of canceling an audition (this happened once and I've been actively trying not to do it ever ever again). But like I said, this is what's required of someone in my position. I learned quickly to not expect anyone to help you in this business--help and career partnerships are earned and cultivated, they don't materialize because they're so desperately needed. If there is a day, even a Saturday or Sunday, where I'm not doing anything about my career and try to relax, I kind of get a twisty worried feeling inside that maybe I don't deserve a day off yet. So that's why tomorrow, a day set aside for a trip upstate to tour my friend's hometown and go to a freaking carnival of all things, I still slipped in an audition in the morning. Sure, I could say, "sorry I'm planning a trip that day and can't make it", but the what ifs would eat me alive, and I wouldn't enjoy the time off anyway. Will this ever change? Will I ever be able to watch a bunch of TV in mah pj's with a big ol tub of ice cream without a care in the world?

I hope so.

I also hope I'll be in 1000 movies and plays that keep me on my feet 24/7 till I die at a comfortably old age.

This post was written, I think, to clear my head before I go home, walk Baxter, grill some burgers, and then watch "The Others" with all the lights off and the rain pounding a determined rhythm on my walls and windows. Sleeping in tomorrow will be a treat. Till next time, consider me de-stressed!