What do you cling to when it all becomes overwhelming?

When the Backstage listings pile on each other after each refreshing, as you look at them and go, "is that part worth changing my Thanksgiving trip?" or, "can these be anything more than internet porn?", it's hard to keep going. And it takes a lot for me to say that, especially me, because I don't find it easy to admit that I'm struggling. I think we all should, it actually makes me feel better to admit that what I'm doing isn't a typical way of life, nor is it the easiest way of life. But it's all I can do, and even now as I sit on hold with some person in need of a password to our website, it's so obvious that I should never be behind a desk. Not because I'm stupid, because my knees knock together and I finish everything too fast so I get more and more work piled on and I feel GUILTY about leaving to go on auditions. Guilty! Ridiculous!

That, friends, is why I applied to be on Who Wants to be a Millionaire today, so don't judge. Besides, it's on tv, and you have to go through an extensive audition process so it's not completely unrelated to acting.

I guess you could call me hungry. Starving. And it's not like I'm not working--I've been rehearsing or performing almost every day since freaking mid-August! I'm just hungry for more. Every day I don't work makes me try harder to get auditions, stay in shape, and book something. And every day I do work, while it seems weird, just makes me even hungrier. I guess it's like someone who quit smoking and then sneaks a cigarette in one day. Sure, every day you don't have a smoke is hard, but if you cheat and have just one puff, your brain must instantly go crazy with the possibilities of smoking a pack a day, cancer be damned, not a care in the world.

I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm not even a smoker!

All I want to do is act. It's all I've ever wanted to do. I have to keep that in mind or I'll go crazy. I guess I just resent when people act like I had no idea how hard it would be. Everyone on the freaking planet knows how hard it is to make a living, let alone as a professional actor.....but NOBODY and NOTHING can prepare you for the reality of getting through each day and ending on a positive, hopeful note. For now, I'm working, I'm young, and I'm doing good things in my work. I'm growing, and improving, and learning, and always raising the bar to something greater. And as long as I can keep that up, I won't ever be satisfied with the present, always looking to the next thing. And that's quite alright with me.